I am Usnavi
by broadwaypants
Summary: The problem: there are four Usnavis and only one Vanessa.  The solution?  Test them on essential Usnavi skills and have Vanessa pick a favorite.  Complete crack; all Usnavis are parodies of the actors who have played him to date.


If it hadn't been for Nina, Vanessa probably would have never made it through the door.

This was a stupid idea. She never should have agreed to it in the first place. Her stomach was knotting itself together and her palms were sweaty, her long hair sticking to the back of her neck. She could feel her face flushing and she wanted to hide behind her hands as soon as Nina shoved her through the door.

"Vanessa!" four men cried, grinning at her.

"Hey," she waved her fingers limply, attempting to stand her ground but failing, because Nina all but carried her over to the chair that had been set up in the middle of the room.

"I'm going to kill you," she muttered to Nina, hating the smirk on the other girl's face.

"Oh, please," Nina rolled her eyes. "Like I didn't have to do the same thing last weekend. You'd be surprised just how often this sort of thing happens."

"Still not a reason for me to like it," Vanessa protested.

"Just smile and at least pretend to enjoy yourself," Nina coached. "It'll go faster that way."

"Whatever," Vanessa crossed her arms and her legs, clenching them tightly and sitting so stiffly in the chair that it couldn't be comfortable. The four men were staring at her anxiously, one of them already flushing pink.

She relaxed considerably when Sonny walked in through the opposite door and flashed her one of his gigantic smiles.

"Vanessa," he grinned while he spoke, "Welcome to _el barrio's_ newest phenomenon: Pick your Usnavi!"

Nina applauded while the four men - the four Usnavis - straightened hopefully. The shortest one puffed out his chest slightly while the tall, lanky one looked around excitedly.

"We will begin with the first test," Sonny waved his arms to get the four Usnavis' attention. "You all have to make Vanessa a cup of coffee and, when giving it to her, ask her out to a club." The four men scrambled over to the pot of coffee, the tall one already burying his head in the fridge while the one with curly hair was measuring out everything in such a precise way it was almost scary.

"You!" Sonny pointed to the still blushing Usnavi, who grinned sheepishly. "You're first!"

The pink-faced Usnavi walked over to Vanessa, holding a cup of coffee and a considerable spring in his step. He smiled excitedly at her, holding it out and saying, "Whole milk, very sweet, and a little bit of cinnamon."

"Aww, just like my abuela used to make," Vanessa said in a monotone, accepting the coffee with a stony smile.

"Well," this Usnavi ducked his head in an embarrassed manner, "that's what all the girls say! I remind them of their grandmothers!" He said it confidently, then his face fell and he laughed awkwardly. He tried to catch her eye, grinning and flushing so red that Vanessa was surprised his head hadn't morphed into a giant tomato.

"Next!" Sonny gestured for the curly-haired Usnavi to go. This one walked towards her, shuffling his feet and holding out the coffee at a full arm's length. He repeated the description of the coffee, and Vanessa replied with another monotone, "Aww, just like my abuela used to make."

"That's what all the girls say I remind them of their grandmothers."

This Usnavi said the line in a monotone and he said it so quickly that it sounded like one sentence. He wouldn't look at her, just started off into space, as if speaking to some invisible audience. Vanessa raised an eyebrow at him, then called to Sonny, "Can I kick this one out right now? He's boring."

"Bleusnavi!" Sonny yelled, pointing at the curly-haired Usnavi and smiling wickedly. "This is the end of your era!"

This news didn't even seem to bother 'Bleusnavi.' He shrugged noncommittally and walked slowly over to the door. Vanessa rolled her eyes at him.

"Next up, you must do a celebratory Usnavi dance!" Sonny announced, and Nina applauded again. She gave Vanessa the thumbs-up and mouthed, 'Good choice.' Clearly Nina had not picked 'Bleusnavi' either.

The three remaining Usnavis formed a line, each one of them grinning. Sonny pointed to the shortest one, who launched into a rather terrible dance, gesturing wildly with his hands and making silly faces as he did so. He almost tripped over his feet twice, and Vanessa couldn't help but crack a genuine smile. He was so terrible it was endearing.

The tall and lanky Usnavi went next. He was more coordinated, but that didn't mean he was any better. He clearly knew how to move, he just didn't know how to dance. Vanessa actually laughed out loud when he started doing hopkicks.

The last Usnavi to dance was the one who had given her the coffee first. He was the best dancer out of the three, but he still had an almost spastic quality to his movements. He was confident and grinned excitedly at her the entire time he danced, obviously having the time of his life.

"Make your decision," Sonny told Vanessa as the three Usnavis formed their line again, all of them breathing rather heavily. Vanessa almost felt bad telling one of these three to leave, because, if she was being honest, she kind of liked all three of them. (And while she wouldn't tell Nina, this game was actually kind of fun!) But she had to pick one, so she pointed to the tall and lanky Usnavi.

"You," she said, her voice sounding apologetic. "And it's not because I didn't like your dance, it's because you look really young. Like, young enough to make me look like a cougar young."

"Zygote!" Sonny pointed at the Usnavi Vanessa had picked. "This is the end of your era!"

'Zygote' shrugged, but he smiled and shook hands with both of the remaining Usnavis. He waved to Nina as he left, saying, "Don't worry, I'll still be at the bodega when you visit." Nina ran after him and hugged him, telling Vanessa after he left that 'Zygote' had been the Usnavi she had chosen.

"Now it's time for the final test," Sonny produced a brown paper bag from behind his back. "You must open this bottle of champagne!" He took the bottle out of the bag and handed it to the shorter Usnavi, who looked confused.

"Don't I get a twisty thing?" the shorter Usnavi asked.

"The twisty thing is broken," Sonny told him. "So... have at it!"

The short Usnavi began struggling with the bottle, ripping off the gold foil at the top and trying to gently pry the cork out of the bottle. He managed to get it part of the way, but then Sonny blew a whistle. Both Usnavis and Vanessa all jumped at the noise, frowning in Sonny's direction.

"Time's up!" Sonny announced.

"You never said there was a time limit," Vanessa rubbed her ear, for she had been standing quite close to Sonny.

"Well, there is," Sonny said this as if it was obvious. "You've only got so long before the song ends. And now for you..." He produced another bottle of champagne, handing it to the taller and still blushing Usnavi.

This Usnavi couldn't even get the gold foil off. He kept looking up at Vanessa and grinning, then went back to what he was doing. Vanessa covered her ears when she saw Sonny raise the whistle to his lips, watching as the Usnavi who was still fumbling with the bottle jumped nearly two feet in the air when it sounded.

"Now it's time for you to pick your final Usnavi," Sonny told Vanessa. "Which one will it be?"

"That one," Vanessa pointed to the Usnavi who had gotten the gold foil off, the same Usnavi who she had decided was the worst dancer.

"Javisnavi!" Sonny pointed to the other, taller Usnavi. "This is the end of your era!"

"Congrats, man," 'Javisnavi' held out a hand to the Usnavi Vanessa had chosen, getting a high five and a half-hug before he turned to leave.

"So which one are you?" Vanessa asked the remaining Usnavi. "Do you have a silly nickname too?"

"Nope," Usnavi shrugged. "I'm the original, so I _am_ Usnavi."

"The original's always the best," Vanessa smiled at him, holding out her hand. He took it eagerly, straightening his cap and looking very pleased with himself.

"You still dance like a drunk Chita Rivera!" Sonny called after them.


End file.
